EFY

Today I dropped Maddie off at Especially for Youth. She will be gone from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. Tuesday – Friday.  I hesitated sending her because I was sending her alone – but I would never admit that to her.  I want her to be successful on her own.  I want her to have a good experience – many of them.  I want her testimony to grow.  I want to give her every opportunity to shine.  Today before we left she asked why I never attended EFY.  My response: If given the opportunity I probably would not have wanted to attend.  I was negative about everything (still am) and did not enjoy being in situations like this.  She replied:  How sad, you had to miss out on things.

There are so many times that Madeline is teaching me.  She daily teaches me to have patience.  She tries to teach me to react with laughter rather than anger.  She loves unconditionally.  I know  that I was chosen to be her mom for so many reasons.   I know that I needed her to become a better person.

Today I was sad to leave her.  Today I wanted to stand in line with her and help her find her way around.  But I left.  I left so that she could become a young lady, a responsible young adult, an independent person, to be her without a mom attached to her side.  Today I was sad  (for brief a moment) that my time as her “mommy” is slowly ending.  I want to protect her.

I miss her “noise”.  I know I may complain but in reality I am lost without her.  I have allowed myself to be defined by the words “maddie’s mom”.  I know that this title will never go away but for the last fourteen years I have been involved in everything.  I know that many believe I am a helicopter parent but I disagree.  I am involved.  We have been asked to be involved, to be aware of what are teen is doing.  I occasionally do over step my bounds but I am trying.    The next 4 years will be hard.  I am not ready to redefine me.  It is going to be tough!